Layer one of the bad days Possibly more to come

I am sitting on my neatly piled stack of blankets (that make up my bed).  Sarah is on the couch, and Melinda is lying on the floor nearby.  Fun girls night since Trevor is at drill you ask?  Nothing quite that normal for me.  Suicide watch, oh fun.

I cut with a hidden razor blade recently, then woke up early today to cut with a piece of broken glass.  I cut over the same cuts until the blood flowed freely again, cleansing me.  Melinda and Trevor were already watching me more closely before he left due to these and some other warning signs such as increased insomnia.  I cleaned the blood up sufficiently both times, but they insisted on cleaning and bandaging the cuts.  Melinda is worried to sleep at all since both of these times where when she was asleep.

As a cutter it is pretty easy to figure out when people are less attentive, and what will make them more or less attentive.  Using this knowledge to cut feels a bit underhand, but addictions are a bitch.  Mel kept me in eyesight all day.  She followed me on to the balcony, back to the living room, and even  into the closet when I curled up in a dark corner and cried.  She seemed to be more concerned after that, although I tried to convince her that besides my slight claustrophobia I like closets.

The straw that broke the back as they  say, was when Melinda went to the bathroom and I slipped outside, ran to a nearby drainage ditch, and used a stick to reopen and further cut my cuts.  The blood looked so peaceful running down my wrist to pool in my hand, coloring the grass red.  It was almost pretty. Once A scared Melinda found me, she wouldn't let me move an inch without supervision and immediately started calling and texting around to find someone to back her up.

Her threats of a psych hospital got me to let her bandage me, to eat, and not to purge.  Her friends who know her very well read through the lines of her fairly calmly worded texts and immediately dropped all they could to come over.  Nathaniel came over, and now Sarah is staying the night.

I feel stupid messing up so many peoples lives.

I'm not saying take me to a hospital.  Take me to a morgue.