When we started this blog I promised myself to strive for honesty in all posts. Sometimes it's hard. I really want people to like me. Presenting my illness in the most appealing light possible is second nature to me. Here we go, feel free to hate me.
I cut, so goodbye shoes.
I've been feeling lonely (even surrounded by people), alone, and like an annoying burden. I'm hating my life, I'm not being as thankful as I should, because honestly I just want my old damned life back, and I don't want to be treated like a stupid kid. I fought with my best friend because I'm sick of the way I get treated because of this illness, and my own actions.
I cut a star, right under my cleavage (it's on fat, and really unattractive)
My whole life feels like a nightmare. I can't mitigate these feelings, and when I try I just wind up driving people crazy. I like order, and structure and a plan. I'm not saying that they have to be rigidly adhered to, I just like to have a mental picture. My brain feels numb. I feel like no one likes me or wants to be around me. My own family doesn't want to be. I push away the people who do want to be there, because they are going to leave eventually. I have nothing to give. I'm a hollow shell.
I'm not "doing something important" with this blog. I wanted to help people who felt like me by being honest and open. All I'm doing is having a blog of self indulgent drivel. A record of my failure, and stupidity.
I like the band "Smile Empty Soul." I knew that I liked them the first time I heard the title. It's just so perfect I want to get a tattoo of it, even though I don't love their music. What a perfect, perfect concept. I feel like it's saying to smile to get through life even though you may be empty and lacking in whatever deeper shit other people have. I'm not sure what they meant by it though.
My depression is hard for people to be around, but my attempts at feeling better are too. I'm not okay, and frankly I doubt I ever will be. I'm just waiting to die.
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