So I know I alluded to new triggers, now let's explore them and convince you that Kumari is truly crazy and to be avoided. :)
I have recently found out that I am triggered by being physically made to do things. It all started one fateful night... (side note, I think I am more dramatic late at night, it shows in my writing).
The First Event
It was very late at night, and as previously mentioned lack of sleep can exacerbate my problems. Melinda wanted to treat my wrist that I had cut and I didn't want her to. A part of the refusal on my part was stubbornness, some of it an honest fear of having my wrist taken care of. I'm pretty sure that the fear stems from feeling like I am making a bigger deal out of my cut then they deserve. It also feels very wrong to take care of myself, because that would imply that I have meaning and worth, things that I feel to be untrue.
Melinda decided that my wrist really needed to be treated, partly because the cut was open, also she is trying to get me accustomed to being cared for. She wound up restraining me and treating the wrist. We could both tell when the struggle changed from me being stubborn to full out panic. I think the lack of control, my claustrophobia, the scary shift in our relationship, as well as basic anxiety caused this to be very frightening. When she was done, I curled up and cried, pulling away from her, until she managed to comfort me enough for me to feel safe again.
We consider this a mistake because it introduced a new element and since then we have been struggling with violent responses, much in the same way as someone with PTSD. Obviously it is often easier to learn from a mistake, and we have made some in this area. Now to learn. :)
The Second Event
We were going to the store with a friend, and since I haven't talked to him about this yet I won't go into much detail without checking with him first. Basically Melinda and I feel that much of this situation was mishandled all around. The end result was a physical struggle between them and myself (in a hot car outside a store... which was awkward, but at least I'm starting to have less of a sense of shame. :)) My hurt wrist got a bit smushed, they both had scratches, and I think were kicked. Plus our poor friend got punched in the back. This led to sobbing and distress (me, of course he's too manly for that). In conclusion we hope to analyze the events and handle them better in the future.
The Last Event
We were at another store with Emily... I mean Mrs. Jones, (we might shop too much). She is one of my best friends and someone I trust, however she unintentionally triggered me by jokingly grabbing me and walking me. I panicked, screamed "NO!" and swung my arm up in defense. The sales associate stared in surprise. We pulled ourselves together and walked out as calmly as possible after a scene like that, and then started to analyze.
Now to analyze... bear with me.
This may all go back to having a mother who hit me a few times, or some unremembered childhood event, which may be surfacing now as I have to face the fact that I have problems and that my normal coping skills have been taken away from me. However this has never been a problem until recently. Also the last time it happened I was able to analyze the feelings some as I felt them and it just seemed like it goes back to the past few months. Being in Cedar Springs was very hard for me because that was a different level of having to give up control. Also, although I chose to try to kill myself, I think I may have inadvertently traumatized myself, (super smart, I know). Ever since, whenever I try to cut I am not able to cut nearly as deeply; partly due to an emotional aversion and partly because my body responds very badly. I never used to get this sick.
I've learned recently that feeling out of control of myself terrifies me. In a psych hospital, you have no control; that was when I started to struggle with the anxiety that I now face nightly. The first time I was in Cedar Springs after my release I had more trouble sleeping than usual. Whenever I would start to fall asleep it felt like my mind would panic and I would wake up feeling disturbed.
I also wonder how much the most recent suicide attempt affected me. I felt sick for many weeks from the blood loss (it turns out your body doesn't like to lose blood); I also think that there might have been a psychological effect.
Please remember that this is just me thinking to you and trying to make sense of things that are actually too painful for me to comprehend so I in no way claim to know what I'm talking about.
I wonder if some of what happened while I was passed out was traumatizing to me. I have tried to think through approximately what would have happened, and it seems like it could be possible that this contributes. I wonder if being carried from my friend's car to the wheelchair then moved onto the bed in some way scared my brain because obviously when you're unconscious and bleeding out you're probably not at your most rational. I'm sure that being gentle isn't a concern as a doctor when you're trying to stop someone from dying. They put a tourniquet on me, a blood pressure cuff, a heart rate monitor, oxygen, and three IVs. I'm assuming that they may have had to hold me down, at least to put in the IVs.
Don't worry, I will try to tell the fascinating story of my slit wrist soon; but for now back to the point:
In conclusion, I can only surmise - however I have always been stupendously amazing at surmising (and dashingly beautiful, but that's besides the point) - that I'm very scared to not have control of myself on a new level. I don't want to hurt people and this just feels like it's adding to the incredibly long list of ways I'm broken. Being triggered is somewhat akin to extreme dehydration (at least in my experience) you feel indescribably terrible all around. It feels like your whole body's on fire and all you can do is double-over and dry heave - or in my case attack my friends - it's a really good thing they're all stronger than me.. maybe I shouldn't buy that gym membership after all. ;)
I have recently found out that I am triggered by being physically made to do things. It all started one fateful night... (side note, I think I am more dramatic late at night, it shows in my writing).
The First Event
It was very late at night, and as previously mentioned lack of sleep can exacerbate my problems. Melinda wanted to treat my wrist that I had cut and I didn't want her to. A part of the refusal on my part was stubbornness, some of it an honest fear of having my wrist taken care of. I'm pretty sure that the fear stems from feeling like I am making a bigger deal out of my cut then they deserve. It also feels very wrong to take care of myself, because that would imply that I have meaning and worth, things that I feel to be untrue.
Melinda decided that my wrist really needed to be treated, partly because the cut was open, also she is trying to get me accustomed to being cared for. She wound up restraining me and treating the wrist. We could both tell when the struggle changed from me being stubborn to full out panic. I think the lack of control, my claustrophobia, the scary shift in our relationship, as well as basic anxiety caused this to be very frightening. When she was done, I curled up and cried, pulling away from her, until she managed to comfort me enough for me to feel safe again.
We consider this a mistake because it introduced a new element and since then we have been struggling with violent responses, much in the same way as someone with PTSD. Obviously it is often easier to learn from a mistake, and we have made some in this area. Now to learn. :)
The Second Event
We were going to the store with a friend, and since I haven't talked to him about this yet I won't go into much detail without checking with him first. Basically Melinda and I feel that much of this situation was mishandled all around. The end result was a physical struggle between them and myself (in a hot car outside a store... which was awkward, but at least I'm starting to have less of a sense of shame. :)) My hurt wrist got a bit smushed, they both had scratches, and I think were kicked. Plus our poor friend got punched in the back. This led to sobbing and distress (me, of course he's too manly for that). In conclusion we hope to analyze the events and handle them better in the future.
The Last Event
We were at another store with Emily... I mean Mrs. Jones, (we might shop too much). She is one of my best friends and someone I trust, however she unintentionally triggered me by jokingly grabbing me and walking me. I panicked, screamed "NO!" and swung my arm up in defense. The sales associate stared in surprise. We pulled ourselves together and walked out as calmly as possible after a scene like that, and then started to analyze.
...
Now to analyze... bear with me.
This may all go back to having a mother who hit me a few times, or some unremembered childhood event, which may be surfacing now as I have to face the fact that I have problems and that my normal coping skills have been taken away from me. However this has never been a problem until recently. Also the last time it happened I was able to analyze the feelings some as I felt them and it just seemed like it goes back to the past few months. Being in Cedar Springs was very hard for me because that was a different level of having to give up control. Also, although I chose to try to kill myself, I think I may have inadvertently traumatized myself, (super smart, I know). Ever since, whenever I try to cut I am not able to cut nearly as deeply; partly due to an emotional aversion and partly because my body responds very badly. I never used to get this sick.
I've learned recently that feeling out of control of myself terrifies me. In a psych hospital, you have no control; that was when I started to struggle with the anxiety that I now face nightly. The first time I was in Cedar Springs after my release I had more trouble sleeping than usual. Whenever I would start to fall asleep it felt like my mind would panic and I would wake up feeling disturbed.
I also wonder how much the most recent suicide attempt affected me. I felt sick for many weeks from the blood loss (it turns out your body doesn't like to lose blood); I also think that there might have been a psychological effect.
Please remember that this is just me thinking to you and trying to make sense of things that are actually too painful for me to comprehend so I in no way claim to know what I'm talking about.
I wonder if some of what happened while I was passed out was traumatizing to me. I have tried to think through approximately what would have happened, and it seems like it could be possible that this contributes. I wonder if being carried from my friend's car to the wheelchair then moved onto the bed in some way scared my brain because obviously when you're unconscious and bleeding out you're probably not at your most rational. I'm sure that being gentle isn't a concern as a doctor when you're trying to stop someone from dying. They put a tourniquet on me, a blood pressure cuff, a heart rate monitor, oxygen, and three IVs. I'm assuming that they may have had to hold me down, at least to put in the IVs.
Don't worry, I will try to tell the fascinating story of my slit wrist soon; but for now back to the point:
In conclusion, I can only surmise - however I have always been stupendously amazing at surmising (and dashingly beautiful, but that's besides the point) - that I'm very scared to not have control of myself on a new level. I don't want to hurt people and this just feels like it's adding to the incredibly long list of ways I'm broken. Being triggered is somewhat akin to extreme dehydration (at least in my experience) you feel indescribably terrible all around. It feels like your whole body's on fire and all you can do is double-over and dry heave - or in my case attack my friends - it's a really good thing they're all stronger than me.. maybe I shouldn't buy that gym membership after all. ;)
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