I haven't posted or written in quite awhile. I don't really have any good excuses. I'm mostly just lazy, and emotionally drained. Plus it seems like there is too much to say, and not enough at the same time. I will now take a stab at digging through my jumbled thoughts enough to come up with something worth sharing. Wish me luck :)
I have been struggling with feeling angry more then I would like. I remember being a young child and becoming extremely angry which would lead to punishment, and should have led to learning a better way of coping. Instead it led to extreme guilt and denial. As I'm sure you know, this can cause to some not so fun explosions.
I am angry at myself for being this way. I hate feeling so broken, and helpless. I am angry that I have a mental illness.
In some ways I'm mad at God for letting me hurt this badly, and for the fact that I don't feel like I can be close to him. I'm mad at myself for being messed up, and so despicable. I am also angry at my birth parents. As irrational as it is, I'm mad at my mom for dying, and my dad for giving me away. I'm mad at my adoptive parents for making me feel unloved, and like I don't measure up.
My therapist said that they are a big part of what turned my attachment disorder into an actual mental illness. I probably have a learning disability that they never realized and I have asthma that went undiagnosed. I am really struggling not to blame them for my poor physical and mental health. If I do in fact have a learning disability that would explain my struggles with school. Not just that I am "lazy and unmotivated." My asthma is very bad and might not have gotten as bad if it were treated.
If they had taken me seriously maybe I wouldn't be sitting here right now typing this blog about my mental illness and my life that makes me want to die.
I am so mad. I don't like anger, it is strong and scary, and turns me into a person I don't like. I am so mad that I have a mental illness. I feel like my parent's ignored so many of my struggles choosing instead to focus on some of the external symptoms and to chastise me for failing.
I am mad that every time I did something wrong it turned into a talk about who I was and how that was ultimately a bad person. I am mad that they caused me so much pain, then were angry when I tried to end the pain with a razor blade. They never really seemed to listen. I am mad that they don't want to have a relationship with me unless I act a certain way. I don't want conditional parents. I am not a daughter, I am an orphan. I am choosing to be alone, because every parent I have had has caused me terrible pain.
I can't take feeling this way. I can't take all of the anger, and all of the guilt towards the anger. I seek out other emotionally abusive relationships because they feel safer to me, more familiar, and they represent love to me.
Family, love, and commitment do not mean the same things that they do to other people. I can't love, because I can't love myself. All that was communicated to me was that I am beyond love. I am subhuman. I am a narcissist. I think that I am above others, but also below.
I don't like things that tie me to reality, like mindfulness. I don't' want to be aware of my dependence on food and air. I don't wan too feel the chair against my skin. I can't be aware of anything without forming an opinion. I envy those with hallucinations. Reality is too painful.
I think that if God actually loved me he would let me die. I'm in too much pain. I'm too mad. I'm too Broken.
I have been struggling with feeling angry more then I would like. I remember being a young child and becoming extremely angry which would lead to punishment, and should have led to learning a better way of coping. Instead it led to extreme guilt and denial. As I'm sure you know, this can cause to some not so fun explosions.
I am angry at myself for being this way. I hate feeling so broken, and helpless. I am angry that I have a mental illness.
In some ways I'm mad at God for letting me hurt this badly, and for the fact that I don't feel like I can be close to him. I'm mad at myself for being messed up, and so despicable. I am also angry at my birth parents. As irrational as it is, I'm mad at my mom for dying, and my dad for giving me away. I'm mad at my adoptive parents for making me feel unloved, and like I don't measure up.
My therapist said that they are a big part of what turned my attachment disorder into an actual mental illness. I probably have a learning disability that they never realized and I have asthma that went undiagnosed. I am really struggling not to blame them for my poor physical and mental health. If I do in fact have a learning disability that would explain my struggles with school. Not just that I am "lazy and unmotivated." My asthma is very bad and might not have gotten as bad if it were treated.
If they had taken me seriously maybe I wouldn't be sitting here right now typing this blog about my mental illness and my life that makes me want to die.
I am so mad. I don't like anger, it is strong and scary, and turns me into a person I don't like. I am so mad that I have a mental illness. I feel like my parent's ignored so many of my struggles choosing instead to focus on some of the external symptoms and to chastise me for failing.
I am mad that every time I did something wrong it turned into a talk about who I was and how that was ultimately a bad person. I am mad that they caused me so much pain, then were angry when I tried to end the pain with a razor blade. They never really seemed to listen. I am mad that they don't want to have a relationship with me unless I act a certain way. I don't want conditional parents. I am not a daughter, I am an orphan. I am choosing to be alone, because every parent I have had has caused me terrible pain.
I can't take feeling this way. I can't take all of the anger, and all of the guilt towards the anger. I seek out other emotionally abusive relationships because they feel safer to me, more familiar, and they represent love to me.
Family, love, and commitment do not mean the same things that they do to other people. I can't love, because I can't love myself. All that was communicated to me was that I am beyond love. I am subhuman. I am a narcissist. I think that I am above others, but also below.
I don't like things that tie me to reality, like mindfulness. I don't' want to be aware of my dependence on food and air. I don't wan too feel the chair against my skin. I can't be aware of anything without forming an opinion. I envy those with hallucinations. Reality is too painful.
I think that if God actually loved me he would let me die. I'm in too much pain. I'm too mad. I'm too Broken.
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