I sometimes feel like an empty shell, hollowed out by something I can't even remember. The only Kumari I have ever known has been lacking, and always feels alone. When I think about the future
I have so much trouble feeling any sense of hope, or anything other then tired. I never planned on living this long. My therapist asked me for my goals, at this point the only thing I'm excited about is seeing "Mumford and Sons" in October. I guess hide the blades after the concert.
(I started this post on Wednesday)
Today my therapist said that the three worst calamities of childhood are; loss of a loved one, abandonment, and fear of imperfection. She went on to say that my birth mother dying when I was one year old, then being put up for adoption by my birth father when I was two years old, and years of feeling like I couldn't live up to my adoptive parent's expectations fulfilled all of the worst calamities.
Maybe I shouldn't feel so guilty for not being okay.
My birth mother dying of an illness was not her fault. As a twenty-one year old adult I know this, but as a one year old child I'm guessing that I didn't understand. The sad part is that I'm pretty sure the one year old child is the one whose opinion weighs in more heavily. My mother died, I'm not really sure how to process this. It's been 20 years and I still don't know what to think about it. I remember as a child that it felt really unreal. Avoidance has always been my dear friend. I think that occasionally I would try to wrap my head around it and would cry for a woman I don't remember.
My birth father died when I was six (I think). I was told that he gave me up for adoption because he loved me and wanted me to have a better life. That's probably true, but it doesn't change the fact that a little two year old girl was handed to strangers, then watched as her dad walked away and didn't come back for her. (I don't remember this I'm just guessing). Then four years later she is told that the man she doesn't remember as her dad is dead. He died in a boating accident. I didn't know how to feel. In life no one can fully explain how to feel. I found a letter from him maybe another four or eight years later. It made me cry.
Fear of imperfection. Something I know well. In fact if you are talking to me I am listening but I am also keeping tabs on your body language, tones, expression, and the way you phrase everything.
I want to achieve things, mostly I don't want to fail or disappoint. I'm still convinced that everyone will wind up leaving. I know that I'm hard to love. That was told to me on an almost daily basis for years. I was never good enough, I was difficult. Sometimes what my parents would say about me, or their guessed motives to my actions showed that they had a very very low opinion of me. It was obvious that they didn't understand. I never wanted to hurt them. It kills me that I have, but everything I did was only because I hurt so much and I don't know what else to do.
Wanting to die is not about me wanting to hurt people, it's more that I think that if I die maybe the people I care about will stop hurting.
I'm pretty sure that if I succeed my parent's will be sad but also relieved. A clean break as they say.
I have so much trouble feeling any sense of hope, or anything other then tired. I never planned on living this long. My therapist asked me for my goals, at this point the only thing I'm excited about is seeing "Mumford and Sons" in October. I guess hide the blades after the concert.
(I started this post on Wednesday)
Today my therapist said that the three worst calamities of childhood are; loss of a loved one, abandonment, and fear of imperfection. She went on to say that my birth mother dying when I was one year old, then being put up for adoption by my birth father when I was two years old, and years of feeling like I couldn't live up to my adoptive parent's expectations fulfilled all of the worst calamities.
Maybe I shouldn't feel so guilty for not being okay.
My birth mother dying of an illness was not her fault. As a twenty-one year old adult I know this, but as a one year old child I'm guessing that I didn't understand. The sad part is that I'm pretty sure the one year old child is the one whose opinion weighs in more heavily. My mother died, I'm not really sure how to process this. It's been 20 years and I still don't know what to think about it. I remember as a child that it felt really unreal. Avoidance has always been my dear friend. I think that occasionally I would try to wrap my head around it and would cry for a woman I don't remember.
My birth father died when I was six (I think). I was told that he gave me up for adoption because he loved me and wanted me to have a better life. That's probably true, but it doesn't change the fact that a little two year old girl was handed to strangers, then watched as her dad walked away and didn't come back for her. (I don't remember this I'm just guessing). Then four years later she is told that the man she doesn't remember as her dad is dead. He died in a boating accident. I didn't know how to feel. In life no one can fully explain how to feel. I found a letter from him maybe another four or eight years later. It made me cry.
Fear of imperfection. Something I know well. In fact if you are talking to me I am listening but I am also keeping tabs on your body language, tones, expression, and the way you phrase everything.
I want to achieve things, mostly I don't want to fail or disappoint. I'm still convinced that everyone will wind up leaving. I know that I'm hard to love. That was told to me on an almost daily basis for years. I was never good enough, I was difficult. Sometimes what my parents would say about me, or their guessed motives to my actions showed that they had a very very low opinion of me. It was obvious that they didn't understand. I never wanted to hurt them. It kills me that I have, but everything I did was only because I hurt so much and I don't know what else to do.
Wanting to die is not about me wanting to hurt people, it's more that I think that if I die maybe the people I care about will stop hurting.
I'm pretty sure that if I succeed my parent's will be sad but also relieved. A clean break as they say.
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