I push people away, I pull away, then I throw up an illusion of intimacy. Only I'm never really there, just my sham self. People of the world, feel free to objectify and abuse me. I'd be more comfortable with that. I see myself as inherently without value, or beauty. I think I can be sexy or hot, but never pretty or beautiful. I present myself a certain way because then it's on my terms. (also my body just looks better a little less covered, it takes your eyes off of my fat)
I don't want to "fall in love." That sentence sounds way too much like "hand me your heart so I can crush it repeatedly, and so you can lose yourself." Don't woo me, I'm not worth that much, just rub up against me in a club and keep grabbing me when I try to pull away. I don't need roses, I need to feel in control. I know that what I'm wearing is driving you crazy just a bit, I know that I'm super easy to a point. And Guess what? I'm probably using you more then you are using me. It all makes me feel so empty and cheap.
I am empty though. The reason you can't truly love me, is that there isn't anything to love. Like I said I'm a shell. The outsides of a person, but none of the insides. Come on, let me show some boob, you know you want me to. Dance with me in the dark, where you can't really see my face. All you can do is feel me, that's all there is.
Maybe I do have intimacy issues.
I'd rather have guys lust after me then love me. It's safer. I make everything sexier, because sex is black and white. It's about raw feelings, not the refined ones. Fuck being refined, and giving up your heart. Take my body, and stop trying for my heart. I promise you it doesn't exist.
You are beautiful. You have eyes that are expressive, to those who really care about you, they can tell your mood, your trust and your feelings. True love is not about falling blindly but falling to a point where you would give anything for someone's happiness and they would do the same for you. Don't let them have the control with gifts and time. If they don't respect you they don't deserve you and if the respect you they can't hurt you. True love is hard to find and most people settle for infatuation because they don't have the patience to stick it out.
ReplyDeleteYour heart does exist. It may be broken and crushed, it may be in shambles but it exists, I have seen it first hand. When the right man comes along it won't matter what your heart looks like because he will love it just the way it is and he will help it heal to be better and stronger than it ever was.
Don't give up and don't give in. You deserve the best and if you can hold out you will not regret it.